You fanboy you

Google defines a fanboy as ‘a male fan, especially one who is obsessive about comics, music, film, or science fiction’. To most of us, however, a fanboy is a passionate, perhaps an irrational, but most definitely a misguided fan of a rival mobile phone operating system (could be Android or Apple or, yes, even Windows). I say ‘rival’ because you would never admit to being a fanboy yourself. Oh no, it’s always the other person, the one in the opposition camp. Fanboys are uncritically loyal to an OS, and fiercely defend it. To be called a fanboy is not a compliment. It’s an accusation. But are you a fanboy? Have a look below to find out.

You’re an Apple fanboy if you believe:

  • Gizmodo has never been properly punished for the lost iPhone 4 affair.
  • It was Apple that said ‘Let there be light’ at the beginning of the universe.
  • It was Apple that said ‘Let there be smart watches’ at the beginning of 2015.
  • The price is always right.
  • A statue of Steve Jobs should permanently occupy the fourth plinth at Trafalgar Square.
  • Shouting ‘Whoo-hoo’ and punching the air is a perfectly reasonable response to Tim Cook clearing his throat on stage at an Apple event.
  • A door is a Magic Entry Portal, and a table is a Wizardly Floor Raiser.
  • Bins are for filling up with obsolete Apple device accessories; you’re making room in yours for all your headphones.
  • ‘To boldly go’ may well be a split-infinitive. But it should in fact be ‘to go bold’. That’s proper grammar to people who think different.

You’re a Windows mobile fanboy if you believe:

  • ‘Microsoft’ is an anagram of ‘Nokia’.
  • Fingerprint scanners don’t work properly; you stare at them futilely when trying to unlock non-Windows phones.
  • A statue of the Lumia 1020 should permanently occupy the fourth plinth at Trafalgar Square.
  • Your Seagate portable hard drive often ends up in your pocket instead of your venerable Lumia 830 when you leave the house without looking at what you’re picking up.
  • All the best phones are qualified by the word ‘venerable’.
  • Glance Screen is the bee’s-knees of smart phone features.
  • The absence of Snapchat in the Windows store simply shows that Windows is an operating system for grown-ups.

You’re an Android fanboy if you believe:

    • The threat of malware is all part of life’s rich tapestry.
    • Using an outdated version of an operating system is no different from driving a classic car or playing vinyl music albums.
    • Waterproofing for flagship phones takes the form of an umbrella.
    • Samsung merely included a fireworks function on the Galaxy Note 7.
    • A good home-screen widget is way more important than a good app.
    • Plastic feels excellent in the hand (glass is for coffee tables and whiskey tumblers).
    • A statue of Android’s logo should permanently replace Nelson at the top of the column in Trafalgar square.
    • Chinese is a great language to learn.
    • The phonetic alphabet should be modified to contain Android versions (Alpha, Beta, Cupcake, Donut, Éclair…)

Of course these are just a few of the questionable beliefs that can afflict a true fanboy. But don’t worry too much if you experience any. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’re unhealthy. Though if you do suspect that your obsessive partisanship is taking its toll on your well-being, then I suggest an Apple a day to keep the doctor away, or a plate of fresh Nougat to replace that mouldy Marshmallow, or even, well, just opening the Windows to let some fresh air in. The choice is yours.